Clouds in the sky are so much more interesting than clear blues. On gray days, colors look much brighter. The purple in the lilacs and the orange in the tangerine trees pops. My romanticism is stirred by potential power plays and helpful men. Helpfulness is an underrated and potent afrodisiac.
Random thought
How have Matt Damon and Hilary Swank never played siblings in a movie?
Strength comes from making mistakes
If I could wish for anything, I would wish for more mistakes.
I just finished watching the pilot of Felicity, and all I could think was were was this show when I was going off to college? This feels like my story. Even her parents, are like my parents, who also used to say things like ‘I worked hard to get you here’, ‘I just don’t want you to go through the same things I did’, ‘not going to xxx school is a colossal mistake’, ‘when you come back I can set you up in an apartement’, ‘you can have your mother’s car’.
But she’s different. I know I’ve been in therapy too long to still be mad, but watching that episode brought back a cascade of memories and regrets. WHy didn’t I have the courage to even try? I feel as though there has been a decade of me missing out on amazing conversations, meeting amazing people., having amazing adventures, all because I was scared to say: ‘it may be a mistake, but it’s MY mistake.’
I CAN wish for anything. I wish for more mistakes.
Bring it on, Felicity.
Crown
Weirdo
August Break 2013 – Day 1
Susannah is a writer and photographer who offers creative courses on discovering your true self. Her therapeutic approach to photography is what attracted me to her blog, and I’ve only just discovered that she had a project on this month called August Break. The idea is that you take a picture each day, for the whole of August, or whenever you start (which in my case means, erm August 29th?) and share it on yoru blog. She says:
There are no real rules, basically. This is all about being present and enjoying taking photos just for the hell of it.
What a great concept! So here is my first photo, based on her prompt for Day 1: Breakfast.
Today it was peanut butter on brown toast and fresh orange juice from my island, Chios.
Who is the devil?
I can’t sleep tonight. As I checked my iPhone out of sheer frustration, the blue glow of the small screen exaggerated the darkness and I felt as though there was an evil man in the corner of my room. This is not random. When I was a child I had a recurring nightmare that I was running through my neighbour’s backyard and about to jump into bed, and all I could see was a black silhouette with red eyes staring at me from the corner of the room, rocking in his chair as I hid under the duvet. Tonight, as I remembered that, I remembered to tell myself, if that devil is outside me, he is my fear. If he is inside me… maybe I am that devil. Suddenly I am not afraid of the dark man in the corner, when I know he is me.
I”m reading Sheryl Sandberg’s Lean In. She says that there are several ways to give your life meaning:
- climb the career ladder
- raise children
- seek personal fulfillment
- contribute to society
- improve the lives of others
I reflect on which of those I’m doing, and which I would like to do. Personal fulfillment is top of the list, despite my aspirations to climb ladders. Is this what I want?
She asks: what would you do if you weren’t afraid?
It’s a good question. If I weren’t afraid…. I like thinking about it. It’s fun to imagine all the daredevil moves I’d make, from confessing my desire to have someone’s babies to them to travelling with Doctors without Borders and/or the UN PeaceCorps. I wouldn’t be afraid to make money. I would imagine my future as a former CEO-turned-psychologist giving TED talks about how to trust your children and simply teach show them how to be with other people and the value of relationships.
I still think it’s possible, and that makes me happy.
That doesn’t change the fact that it’s 5:25am, and I’m still sleepless.
